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March 4th, 2013

01:20 pm
First Read-Through of Glam Ben Achievement Unlocked.

And I like this story. I like it a lot. The Mighty Sarcasm of Ben plays a large role, he gets to be stressed and chop his sentences, I have gun geekery and a tiny bit of Shakespeare, and Janni kicks ass. The Damsel in Distress is Ben, this time, which I haven't actually done in fiction I could sell for awhile, so it's a nice change. He ends up kidnapped and bleeding and nearly dead, but no one hits him in this one (not for lack of trying), and Janni actually has more agency in this one than she did in the story that was ostensibly about her.

This one is more about them, and that may be where the difference lies.

It's not quite 5300 words. So I have 700 words in which to fix the glaring flaws. To wit:
  • Needs moar Shakespeare. Sooner.

  • Ben's PTSD, and the scars, should be brought out much earlier. Without an infodump. Ha.

  • Really need a couple more Little Moments between him and Janni. This isn't necessarily easy when they don't share a lot of screentime together except at the start and finish. They adore each other, and I need to make that a lot more obvious.

  • I need to describe Janni. I know what she looks like. Most of you know what she looks like. Readers new to the canon, however (which is, oh, everyone else), do not. A little more on Ben would be good, too, because his copious scars are never even mentioned.

  • I have got to get the word "glampire" in there somewhere. I just do.


So. I have work to do. In between laundry, school, food, and grocery shopping. Whee.